Trigger Warning: depressive thoughts, existential crisis, suicide mentions

Born with stars in her eyes, and a love for what the world can't offer, but her imagination can.At a young age she dreamed of places that don't exist in this world, but exists in her mind. In the eyes of a child, she saw more than what was there. She understood that if the world can't give her this fantastical world then she'll create it herself.Growing up to this overactive imagination, she dreamed to be a writer. To tell the world her stories, the places she's been, the people she's met, those that never truly existed in this world.She read stories of adventures from other people who saw the way she did. Wrote down these stories that showed her a world that wasn't this one.Beautiful.Fantastical.Magical.How we're able to dream of worlds, places, and people that were never real. Introduce them and their stories to the people around us that didn't know of such wonders of different worlds beyond ours.
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A rowdy girl since she was young. A troublemaker with an attention deficit, a developmental problem... She's caused many problems to those around her. Her parents who never understood her actions. Her brother that had the same mental problems she did. She never understood, either.Bullied; Bullied by her classmates. Ignored by her teachers. Neglected by her parents.Did she know what she was doing whenever she hurt people? When she did bad things?No one taught her whether it was right or wrong.No one taught her what was right and wrong. She had to learn it herself. Over time. Until it was too late.An awful child, she was. Bullied by bullies. Her frustration had nowhere else to go but to those who didn't fight back.Was it her fault she was this way?Belittling others around her. At a young age she had already been a narcissist, or perhaps a sociopath. Is it right to call a child that when they didn't know what they were doing and there was no one to teach them?Lack of shame, lack of empathy, and misplaced confidence.A disaster waiting to happen.
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Perhaps, a greater power saw what she was becoming?Perhaps, karma had finally reached her?A teenage girl, a sociopath...
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Her parents separated.For good this time.An odd trigger, yet it worked.Her world suddenly crumbled into pieces. Her frozen heart thawed, yet it wasn't warmth that was felt... It continued to feel cold. The feeling, uncertain. Feelings that she never knew were there, never knew existed... were now present.The girl suddenly felt empathy; suddenly felt shame; suddenly lacked confidence.What happened?Her parent's separation opened up emotions that no one thought was there? Is that real?The once assertive, loud troublemaker had become the complete opposite of herself.A quiet, timid, people-pleaser she has become.When once she would be late to school, to roll her eyes at teachers, compulsively lie through her teeth— she now became a good student, trusted by teachers, unable to lie without stuttering or tears falling.When once she would be at lunch outside, being loud and being judged by other students for the shameless intensity of her voice, the nonsensical statements she would utter— she now barely spoke a word, choosing to seclude herself in the library where no other student spent their time. Now choosing to hide from everyone, wishing she were invisible from everyone's eyes.When once she never backed down from a fight; when she argued despite being wrong— she now let everyone walk all over her. She didn't speak even her opinions. When she was told she was wrong, she immediately doubted herself, doubted her beliefs, doubted her intelligence.She no longer believed in herself.That fire that could have been a bright and beautiful flame if it was fanned carefully and properly to keep from getting out of control, had suddenly died.Was it for the best.It was for the best...Right?ㅤ
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A depressed teenage girl, dangerously self-aware, now a doormat to the world, to those around her. Refusing to believe that she deserved happiness, she let others use her for theirs.Puberty did it's job. Enough to keep the girl from getting bullied any further.Yet, now, she was a beautiful, shy and timid young girl who still hasn't been given the chance to learn what she needed to.Naïve, and airheaded. She was easy to target.But, perhaps the world took pity. The dangers that followed her were quick to leave. The dangers she never knew were there... gone. Without her interference. Without her knowledge.Her desire was to help those in need, and in that moment it was her family and friends she loved dearly that she promised to help.But, the world didn't take pity after all...An abusive mother, an absent father, a non-existent support system, the heavy burden of expectations as a beautiful and smart eldest child, a family that didn't believe in her struggles...The weight of an illness she never knew was there.It happened too fast.
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ㅤToo unexpected...
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And, before she knew it...
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Dozens of pills were down her throat.
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But, like everything she did in life.
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She failed.
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ㅤAnd, no one even knew...For years... a dropout... continuously tried to end her life... and continuously failed...Tried to make a living off her art.She was successful somehow...But, the crippling mental illnesses she had never let her get too far in what she wanted. Imposter syndrome was quick to make her fall.Perhaps, she didn't deserve a good life...When she was given good, it seemed there was a price to be paid.Terrible coincidences that were too constant, too consistent, forming a pattern... A pattern that instilled fear within her.No longer allowing herself to be happy, but instead focusing on the happiness of others.Perhaps, that's what she was here for.But, even then... she was punished for being nice... Used and discarded when no longer needed. Hurt and betrayed when all she showed was kindness.How can the world be so cruel?What did it want from her..?Perhaps, it doesn't want anything...Perhaps, it wants her life...But, if it did then why was she still here? Why has danger gotten close, but never close enough?What was she to do?What was her purpose if she was punished for trying? Punished for being bad. Hurt for being good.She never understood.Until now, there was no one who taught her. No one who helped her. She's still confused. Still lost.
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ㅤShe sighs, making herself comfortable on the bed that she spent most of her time in... doing nothing...Laziness is what everyone called it.Turning to her side, she eyes a digital clock counting down the seconds to every minute of every hour... The seconds she's wasting.The date today displayed at the bottom of the time...How long has it been?Time went by so quickly, but at the same time it goes by so slow.She's lost years of her life.She knew nothing new. She met no new people. Stuck in her room for years... almost a decade. Lost and afraid.The depression, the dread, the darkness; All keeping her down. Weights that she couldn't lift. Pains that she couldn't numb. Scars that she couldn't heal.Another minute flies by.She faces the ceiling.White. Her favorite color that reminded her of peace and tranquility.Her eyes shift to the side, scanning the object that casted a shadow directly on her from the light casting through the window. Beautiful, yet thin. She's memorized everything about it. The texture, the shape, the color... the feeling of it wrapped around her neck.A tired smile graces her lips as she closes her eyes. Tears falling, following the tracks that were already there, left stained by the countless times her tears were shed."I'm so... tired." she breathlessly sobs out, knowing she will never truly be able to escape.The exhaustion slowly sets in.Plunging her into another peaceful rest.
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Tears in her eyes, and a love for what the world can't offer, but her imagination can.She dreamed of places that don't exist in this world...Beautiful.Fantastical.Magical.And, I chose it to escape...